Two years ago today was one of the hardest days of my life...and, in the life of my family. On this day we said hello and goodbye to my niece, Weslee Faith. I haven't written much about it on here since that time because I can't seem to express what I have felt the last 2 years.
I held her lifeless body that day for quiet some time. It seems so silly, but that day I rocked her, swayed back and forth and talked to her like she was going to talk back. I told her that she missed out! I already had outfits picked out for her to match my 2 girls (Brynn was not here at the time). I had Halloween costumes picked out for 3 girls. I told her I would've made her tutus, hairbows and lots of blinged out shirts. I told her I had LOTS of hand me downs for her. It took me several weeks to process all the events during that week. But, once I had the chance to think back on what I had said to her, I couldn't help but shake my head. Who would've wanted tutus and hairbows when you have the glory of Heaven and majesty of our Heavenly Father!?
As I examined her little bitty body, I looked at what did not develop causing her to not be able to live. I looked at the back of her head and asked God many times why he couldn't have just made that part correctly! Why didn't he finish her!? Although, I still struggle with those questions at times, I am at piece knowing she is whole in Heaven and knowing that someday I will hold her again.
There are many blessings from that day. I am so thankful I got to hold her, see her and talk to her. I am so thankful I got to dress her and change her cloths. I am thankful for my family and the strength we have because of one another. I am thankful for the days following when many days and late nights were spent at my house with all of my family, and even Ben's family some nights, just loving on one another. I am thankful for the nurses that loved Sarah and Ben and all of us as we spent a day and a half in sorrow on a floor of the hospital full of balloons, flowers, cheers and babies crying. I am thankful for Laci and Megan. Because although they didn't know the full extent of what went on that October 24th day, they were a source of joy and laughter and hope for all of us. I am not sure I had ever seen Ben love on Megan like he did in the days following.
I know Sarah and Ben have feelings and memories about that day that are different than mine. And my hurt cannot compare to what they experienced losing Weslee. But, this has been just a snapshot of what I felt that day.
If you would have told me that day that two years later Sarah would still have empty arms, I would've thought you were crazy. If someone had told me about their fertility struggles, their miscarriages, her surgeries and on and on...that they have had to deal with, I would not have believed it. You know when you read a story, watch a movie or listen to someone's story you can't wait until the climax. You listen or watch so intently waiting to hear how it turns out! That is where I am. I want to be at the end of this story, ready to start the next. I want to hear how it turns out! I am ready for that half-completed nursery in Sarah and Ben's house to be full. I know God is in control and have never had to lean on that more than in these last 2 years. God is the only source of life. And, when I am angry, asking Him question after question, and trying to figure it out myself, I always go back to God! HE IS THE ONLY SOURCE OF LIFE. Even when doctors say no, God can say yes. When doctors say IVF is the only way, God says I am the only way.
Their fertility story will be complete some day and they will be able to share their story with others going through the same situation. But, while we are in the midst of it, I pray we can continue to be a family that loves on each other, prays for each other, encourages each other and laughs with each other. And, most importantly, never miss what God is trying to teach us all through the struggles.