This year has been a year of firsts for our family. And, most of them have not been pleasant. Last week brought another first for me and for our family. A week after learning Brad and I were expecting our 3rd child, I miscarried. I was 5 weeks pregnant and the due date was Laci's birthday. I had only told family (Laci and Megan did not know and still have no idea).
The emotions have been so crazy the past few months and I am still trying to process everything. Writing on here (and decorating) are my ways of releasing and coping. My feelings last Tuesday when I realized what was happening were quite honestly, not God honoring. I remember thinking seriously, God, what else can happen! But, those emotions and feelings changed as again I was reminded of the miracle of life. As we celebrated Thanksgiving, I clung to my girls realizing how precious life is and what miracles they are! The best way I can describe that feeling on Tuesday was that I knew so many people had gone through this and it was so common, yet I felt so alone! No one knew. I spent the entire day trying to hold back tears as I went through the daily motions.
My sister and I joke that we are ready for 2010. I know that what she went through is harder than anything I can imagine at this point. And, in no way do I want to compare my miscarriage to her loss of Weslee; but, in a way as I was decorating her house for Christmas I felt a new bond. For you see, we are 5 years apart and have never really been in the same "season of life." But, right now we are there. We can cry together, laugh together and in small sense understand one another.
I could write so much more but as I am typing, I have a precious almost 3 year old tugging at my housecoat saying, mommy, please come lay with me. Once again I am reminded of God's blessings.
My final thought: My mom tells me this story and it has become my prayer. As a very special friend was battling breast cancer, she told my mom, I just pray I don't miss what God is trying to teach me through all of this. That has become my prayer. Because as I have walked the line of bitterness; joy, hope, love, the kind that comes from Jesus is all around!!!!
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