Monday, November 30, 2009

Heartache and Thanksgiving

This year has been a year of firsts for our family. And, most of them have not been pleasant. Last week brought another first for me and for our family. A week after learning Brad and I were expecting our 3rd child, I miscarried. I was 5 weeks pregnant and the due date was Laci's birthday. I had only told family (Laci and Megan did not know and still have no idea).

The emotions have been so crazy the past few months and I am still trying to process everything. Writing on here (and decorating) are my ways of releasing and coping. My feelings last Tuesday when I realized what was happening were quite honestly, not God honoring. I remember thinking seriously, God, what else can happen! But, those emotions and feelings changed as again I was reminded of the miracle of life. As we celebrated Thanksgiving, I clung to my girls realizing how precious life is and what miracles they are! The best way I can describe that feeling on Tuesday was that I knew so many people had gone through this and it was so common, yet I felt so alone! No one knew. I spent the entire day trying to hold back tears as I went through the daily motions.

My sister and I joke that we are ready for 2010. I know that what she went through is harder than anything I can imagine at this point. And, in no way do I want to compare my miscarriage to her loss of Weslee; but, in a way as I was decorating her house for Christmas I felt a new bond. For you see, we are 5 years apart and have never really been in the same "season of life." But, right now we are there. We can cry together, laugh together and in small sense understand one another.

I could write so much more but as I am typing, I have a precious almost 3 year old tugging at my housecoat saying, mommy, please come lay with me. Once again I am reminded of God's blessings.

My final thought: My mom tells me this story and it has become my prayer. As a very special friend was battling breast cancer, she told my mom, I just pray I don't miss what God is trying to teach me through all of this. That has become my prayer. Because as I have walked the line of bitterness; joy, hope, love, the kind that comes from Jesus is all around!!!!

7 comments:

jennfritz4 said...

Reading your blog last night brought tears to my eyes! You a very inspiring-you guys are such a strong & close family & remind me of my own! Jenn Fritz

harris1013 said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Please allow yourself to grieve too. I have had two miscarriages and yet I don't fully know what you are going through because everyone and every situation is unique. I will be praying for you and Brad. I am thankful that you and Sarah have each other!!! Don't hesitate to call if you want to talk...

Ashley Jo Anglin said...

I am lifting your family up in prayer. I know how hard it is to lose a baby. It is very easy to think in a way that is not God honoring. But I am praying for you and your sister...

five lil kindys said...

Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you.

Shara said...

at the age of 42 I discovered that we were expected a very unexpected 4th child--our children at the time were 18, 16 and 14. Our son had just started his senior year. we went through all the emotions--shock, disbelief (I was way too old)and then we got so excited. the baby was due on May 16, my mom's birthday, and also the day our son was graduating high school. we found out the baby had no heart beat on October 23, my dad's birthday--We were devestated!!! It has been three years and I still cry--there are very few days (if any) that go by that I do not wonder what might have been.
It is still hard to celebrate my parents birthdays just because of the reminder.
I do know, however, that God has a plan for me and my family and as long as "I am still and know that He is God" it will all work out. Yes my heart still aches and my arms are empty, but I know that it this is part of the "plan"
As time passes, my prayer for you is that your heart will get lighter. Just keep you family close

Debbie said...

You know that you are in our prayers.

Rebekah said...

Oh how I appreciate your honesty. I will praying for you. I have never lost a child, but I can only imagine the hurt your heart feels. Luckily, you have an amazing family and a strong sister who can be a shoulder and who understands. And, we serve a really big God who does not do anything by coincidence. Praying!